A Lump ?!?!?!

Last week I went in for my annual exam at the girl doctor.  

Good times.  

The nurse practitioner detected a lump in my breast and suggested I go in for mammogram.  I wasn't overly worried, but there was the lingering possibility of my life taking a difficult turn. We had one of our most perfect lazy weekends in a long time, and I hoped it wasn't our last.

Yesterday was the big day of my mammogram. My allergies have been bad lately and I was fairly confident they were going to tell me it was just a swollen lymph node.

 Unlike last time, there was a screen where I could see all my images, and I could clearly see two white spots in the area of my lump and my confidence started to waver a bit.  When the nurse needed to take some more images from the side, it hurt way more than normal, and she commented that it was probably the lump (not the best bedside manner), my confidence shook violently. When I asked her if the images looked normal, she hesitated and said that I would need to go back to the waiting room, while the doctor looked at the images and decided if they needed to take an ultrasound. She also said that my last mammogram was in May so they probably caught it early enough. All my confidence faded away.

Here are the thoughts that ran through my mind as I sat in the room watching CNN and reading the poster said, "One in 8 women are diagnosed with breast cancer":

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

Am I going to loose my hair? Maybe I'll get a blonde wig for fun. Charming Charlie had some cute hats.

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

Booking that non-refundable trip to Harry Potter World, wasn't so smart.  Is there a make-a-wish for moms?

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

I saw on Facebook that today is World Cancer Day-coincidence?

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

We are putting the house on the market in 2 weeks.  What does a bald sick lady in the master bedroom do to the market value of your home?

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

My husband just signed separation papers for the military, I wonder if they'd take him back, if I can't find civilian insurance.

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

If I am sick, what is my family going to eat. My kids lovingly called my last attempt at freezer meals "Crap in a Bag".

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

If I am not going to be able to clean my own house soon, I need to scrub it from top to bottom, so the cleaning lady won't judge me.

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

If I have cancer, I am totally ditching the diet I started yesterday and eating whatever I want.

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

My kids are amazing and could survive without me, but I really, really, really want to be their mom and really want to be a grandmother.

Please, please, please don't be cancer.

After a very long half and hour, the nurse told me I would need an ultrasound. I lost it just a little.

When the doctor came in and saw I was upset, he explained that my mammogram was completely normal and hadn't changed at all from my last one and that the ultra-sound is merely standard procedure any time a doctor refers you.  (This information would have been helpful at the beginning).  He said I just have really dense breast tissue and showed me on the screen how normal and non-cancery my lumpy boobs were.

 I have never been so grateful to not have cancer in my life and I completely lost it.